Mothers: Past and Future

My mom. I love that woman dearly.
My mom. One of the most important people in my life.
My mom. I have no clue where I’d be without her.
My mom. The one that first diagnosed me with AS.
My mom. The one that’s held my hand through the rough times.
My mom. The steady, calm, patient one that raised me. (That poor woman.)
My mom. The source of comfort and wisdom.

My mom.
Teacher.
Confidant.
Mentor.
Parent.
Disciplinarian.
Coach.
Adviser.

I was raised by a good woman. She’s everything that a mother should be. She was a stay at home mom for most of my life. I grew up knowing that my mom was always there for me. No matter what, she was there. Now that I’m an adult, she is supportive of all that I do. My babysitting jobs, cleaning jobs, volunteer work, etc. She is everything that I need.

My grandma. The one that makes the best food ever.
My grandma. One of the most important people in my life.
My grandma. The one that I have tea with once a week.
My grandma. The one that spoils me.
My grandma. The one that listens to everything I have to say.
My grandma. The patient one that raised my mother (and her 6 siblings. That poor woman.)
My grandma. The source of comfort and wisdom.

My grandma.
Teacher.
Confidant.
Mentor.
Coach.
Adviser.
Comforter.
Lifeline.

My mother was raised by a good woman who, in turn, helped to raise me. She’s everything that a grandma should be. She has run a store and campground with my grandpa for longer than I’ve been alive. I grew up knowing that my grandma was there for me whenever I needed her. I grew up knowing that, while she was more lenient than my mother, she was not afraid to discipline me when needed. Now that I’m an adult, she’s supportive of all that I do and she’s proud of the woman I’ve grown into.

I am very proud of the line of strong women and mothers that I come from. These women have helped me to survive and to thrive in a seemingly alien world. I hope that one day I’ll be as good a mother to my children. Because AS is genetic, there’s a possibility that one of my kids will have AS. If one does, I’ll just have to be prepared and do my best. One step at a time, day by day. The same way that my mom did.

Thank you mom for everything you’ve done and what you will do. Thank you for making me strong and confidant. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for everything.

Your Little Girl,
Allie. <3

Oops. Again.

I don’t talk much about my men-of-interest in my blog because it’s a bit of a difficult topic for me to deal with. I’ve decided, after much deliberation, that I do need to write about it because #1-it might help others to understand and #2-because not talking about it doesn’t seem to help me much.

It may just be me, but I think that relationships are one of the harder things for Aspies. It’s not like someone hands us a little book filled with “do’s and don’ts” so that we don’t ever mess things up. In fact, most of the time, I get so nervous about messing up that most of the social rules I’ve learned and perfected over the years go out the window. It’s never on purpose. It just happens, so I end up nursing wounds until the next hopeful comes along.

Yes. I’ll admit it. It’s me. It’s absolutely almost always me that messes things up. I become nervous in a situation in which I’ve never been before and I’ll improvise with whatever comes to my mind. I will slip up socially more than just a little bit and either make a fool of myself or of the man-of-interest. I become so absorbed with trying to make a good impression on the people in man-of-interest’s life that I forget about what is and is not acceptable.

………And then, seemingly out of nowhere, here comes the “let’s be friends” speech without any explanation as to why. Ouch. A million and one questions run through my mind. I look back to the most recent encounter with man-of-interest and notice something that I didn’t pick up that day. Me messing up AGAIN and him distancing himself from me. Ouch. (insert Christian expletives: Oh Snickerdoodles. Why in Heaven and Earth did I do that? GoodnessGraciousMeOhMy. Son of Buddha.) Why did I do that AGAIN?

After the “let’s be friends” speech comes the “I’m going to ignore you” period of time. Then comes the awkward moment when you see the former-man-of-interest where he ignores you and your million and one questions fall away leaving only one question: “Why?”

Then the verbal conformation comes and it is set in stone. It was because of your behavior. And if you’re anything like me, you slowly fall apart. You try to comfort yourself in every way that you know how, but it doesn’t seem to work. Cleaning your room, playing your video games, and reading your book are no longer places of solace. Reading my Bible is usually what finally lulls me to sleep.

It happens the same way every time. It’s not the first time and probably wont be the last either. You’d think that I’d have learned by now, but I’m not sure that it’s that easy and simple. Who knows what’s next. Is there a possibility that it wasn’t completely me? Yes. Is there a possibility that former-man-of-interest (who will still hold my interest for some time) will come back? Most likely not. *sigh* Oh well. I’ve become quite the expert at getting over it, moving on, and pretending it never happened. I’ll do the same. It’ll just take time.

The part that bothers me the most this last time was that I thought it would be different.

On Edge,
Allie.

Distractions

Since the last post, I have run into several distractions that may have gotten in the way of preventing my meltdown. Saturday, I was out in the sun for several hours and, even though I applied sunscreen, ended up looking like a cherry. Those who’ve had sunburns know that they hurt. And, being a young woman, it goes without saying that my hormone levels are all over the place. Things like this, dealing with pain and unexplainable emotions, very often take my focus away from making sure I don’t trip up socially or pick up on warning signs for a meltdown. I did, however, prevent a meltdown on Sunday, even with all the distractions.

After church, my family gets home in time to eat a little something before we have to go to drama practice. Yesterday, I was in the kitchen preparing a burrito to eat and when I reached for the cheese, my mom told me to stop. I didn’t see why she was telling me to stop opening the bag of shredded cheese when we only had limited time to eat, so I kept opening the bag. She kept telling me “stop” over and over again, getting louder each time until she was yelling only two feet from my ear. Needless to say, this rattled me more than just a little bit. It was surprising for two reasons. #1- My mom pretty much never yells. #2- She knows very well how I react to yelling (usually tears, confusion, frustration, and more tears). Apparently, she wanted me to use the two tablespoons of the cheese that was left over in the older bag of cheese. I still don’t understand why it was such a big deal and why she found that yelling at me was necessary, but I used the cheese that she wanted me to use and sat down at the table, silently eating the burrito and trying not to cry. It was at that moment that I realized I was bordering on a meltdown and straightened myself out.

After that realization, I ignored my parents yelling up the stairs for my sisters to get something to eat, I ignored my sisters and dad attempting sarcastic humor, and I ignored the snide remarks of rude teenage girls at drama practice. I focused on the task at hand, whether that was finishing my burrito or figuring out what part I was playing in the new human video we were practicing. It was stressful to deal with raging emotions, the pain of a sunburn, and bordering on a meltdown all at the same time, but I did it.

I have priorities in my life that include being a part of my family and my active role in church, and I cannot allow almost meltdowns to hinder what I need to do. I was able to avoid a meltdown without actually separating myself and without self stimulation. I didn’t know that was a possibility, but I did it. You can too!

Hopeful,
Allie.

Regression

Alas, I have not written in a while because I have been busy (with life). While I have been away from the wonderful world of blogging, things have been happening. Good things! As well as the occasional not-so-good thing. I’ve created, for myself, a workout schedule and I’ve been attending more Bible studies! (Yay!) This post, however, has the title it does because things happens.

Working out releases stress that builds up due to disturbances in my little box. Along with muscle training, I use things like the punching bag, a heavy rope that I swing around, and a sledge hammer to hit tractor tires with. I am in a better mood and I treat people, mostly my family, much better when I don’t have that built-up stress weighing on me.

Going to Bible studies, I learn more about my relationship with God and get to know Him better. It creates a better mood in me because I feel peace, and I treat people, once again, much better. These things have kept me busy and have improved my mood much.

Now, to the regression. There are events that led up to it. Another meltdown. *cue horror-movie music* Firstly, there has been something weighing on my mind that has me perplexed and stressed. Then, there was a change in my schedule, and I was not able to work out on Friday. Saturday, my little sisters were stressed about returning to school, which, in turn, stressed me out. Sunday, my schedule, once again, was changed. I no longer had drama practice and was no longer going to go to the Bible study. I felt useless because I no longer had something to do. In the end, I had a meltdown. It was over the littlest thing. I was watching Law& Order: SVU and my little sister decided to change it to CSI while I had gotten up to get a soda.


I do enjoy both shows, but I felt wronged. Betrayed, even. Granted, her actions were not justified, but I am the adult (or at least I should be). There were things that added to the situation, but I should have more control over myself. I think that I didn’t see the warning signs for this one because I was so caught up in being busy that I forgot to watch myself. I got cocky and I fell hard. It hurt to have fallen and to feel like I’m back at “square one” again. I don’t want to go back to where I was before. I want to keep improving. I could have prevented that meltdown, and I’ve been scolding myself since for it. A word of advice:
“Never forget where you have been. You might just find yourself there again” (-Allison Rogers)

Limping,
Allie.

Unusual

I know that I normally write long paragraphs about serious things, but I needed to share my joy with you guys really quickly. Something unusual happened to me. You already know that I go to Bible studies with my “brothers.” Last Sunday, I went to one and an interesting conversation happened between my “brothers” and I on the way home.

Brother #1: “So who all were you talking to, Ms. Social Butterfly?”
Me: “Wait. What? Me? Social Butterfly?”
Brother #2: “Yea. You were talking to a group of people and they were captivated by you. What were you talking about?”
Me: “Just normal stuff. Work. Family. School. Really?”
Brother #1: “Yea. Really.”
Brother #2: “What were their names?”
Me: “I don’t remember” ( <—- Feeling like an idiot for not remembering.)
{And the conversation continues.}

This was the first time in my life that I remember those two simple words being used to describe me. Social Butterfly. It came as such a shock that I was doing well socially. I was engaging strangers in conversation that held their attention without them thinking that I was strange. Not only that, but it was a group of people. At the time, I was just trying to be polite and follow the social rules that I’ve learned.

So, I’ve compiled a list of rules that I follow.
1 – Observe people. What they’re talking about and how they react to certain topics. Observing, however, does not mean that you can be rude and ignore people that try to start conversations with you.
2 – To start a conversation, compliment something (clothing, hair, eyes, etc.) because people love to hear that someone likes how they look.
3 – To keep a conversation going, ask a question that requires more than a “yes” or “no” answer because people love to talk about themselves.
4 – Ask questions that are relevant to them, but that you can also relate to.
5 – Safe topics include work, school, family, childhood homes, and the weather.
6 – People like to know that they have your attention when they are talking to you, so look them in the eye. (If this is too difficult, look at their lips, forehead, or nose.)
7 – When you can feel an awkward silence coming up, change the subject or excuse yourself to the bathroom. Changing the subject may give you the label “random” but it will almost never give you the label “awkward.”

When I can think of more, I’ll update this post. If you have anything you want to add, feel free to comment below!

Happy,
Allie.

Disorder?

Those with Down Syndrome look different. You can tell by looking at them that they have a mental disability. Those with low-functioning autism look different. You can tell by looking at them that they have a mental disability. Most of those with Asperger Syndrome don’t really look different. You can’t tell by looking at them that they have a mental disability.

I was informed that there is a possibility that AS may not be in the next edition of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) So, the question at hand should be answered. That question is: “Is AS really a disability that needs to be addressed in the DSM?”

Yes. AS is a mental disability. In most cases, it’s not severe enough to hinder a productive, independant life. Is it severe enough to be in the DSM? Yes. Life is difficult enough with being diagnosed. How much more difficult would it be if there was no diagnosis? After having been diagnosed, my parents and I dealt with things differently. Everything changed after that. We discovered that I need to learn social things like I would a different language. Textbook learning. I need to hear it, read it, and practice it. We wouldn’t have been able to make the right adjustments and make life easier for all of us if AS hadn’t been in the DSM and hadn’t been a known mental disability.

I look back and remember what life was like before being diagnosed and I never want to go back. I don’t want to go back to the confusion, the anger, and the chaos. I don’t want to go back to having very few friends and many issues. I don’t want to go back to constant meltdowns. I don’t want people in the future to have to go through what I did because they don’t know about the existence if AS.

The answer: “Yes. Asperger Syndrome definitely should be included in the next edition of the DSM.

Opinionated,
Allie.

Prevention of Meltdowns

Meltdowns are the number one behavior issue amongst those with Asperger Syndrome. Avoiding them is hard to do. The littlest thing can set someone off, but recognizing the signs early can minimize a meltdown.

Trips to Bible studies have become something that my “brothers” and I have made a regular thing. This causes some strain for me. The new surroundings, the new people, and new worship songs all make me nervous and more susceptible to a meltdown. There were several points on Friday night where I could have had a meltdown, but I did not.

Friday morning, unlike my normal schedule, I stayed home in the morning and worked the afternoon shift instead. Going away from my normal schedule kind of messed up my day. My eating pattern was off and it put my senses on edge. I asked my mom to brush my hair and avoided a meltdown by doing something I know calms me.

We left late for the Bible study and I was hungry. I dislike being late with a passion. Why set a time to leave if you’re not going to leave at that time? While sitting in the car waiting, I was almost in tears. I asked to pick up something to eat and avoided a meltdown by filling my stomach.

At the Bible study, while in an already stressed state, I had a cup of tea in my hand while talking to someone. One of my “brothers” came up behind and shook my shoulders while encouraging me to be more social. A little bit of the tea splashed onto my hand. I lashed out at him just a bit, then I excused myself to the bathroom to clean my hand and take some deep breaths. I avoided a meltdown by pulling myself away from the situation and giving my senses a change to calm down.

Meltdowns can be caused by simple things, but they can be avoided. Eating, reading, singing, and brushing hair will not work for everyone. Those are simply specific to me. Find what calms you, separate yourself from the situation, and do that until you feel comfortable again. I always carry a small brush and a book with me, just in case. People would much rather I excuse myself for ten or fifteen minutes than freak out and blow up at them. Preventing meltdowns isn’t a skill you perfect overnight. It takes time and practice, but you can do it. I’ve gotten better over the years and, Friday night, avoided several meltdowns in one day. You can too.

Getting Better,
Allie.

Awareness

Sunday evening, I had the opportunity to go to a bible study for young adults. While there, I met several people, but one stands out among them. While speaking with this person, I was reminded of how little people know about high-functioning forms of autism.

I was quiet, as is normal for me when in a new surrounding with many new people, until I met Stafford and the whole evening turned around for me. I was able to talk to him comfortably about many topics (Star Wars, Star Trek, church, our ministries, family, disabilities, etc.). After speaking with him and becoming comfortable, I was better able to talk to other people and get to know them without feeling out of place and awkward.

Stafford and I have a few things in common. We both have what is considered a disability; he’s Bi-Polar type one and I have Asperger Syndrome. We live our lives to the fullest despite these disabilities; he has a wife and a little one (with one on the way) and I have a job and live life happily. We both believe these things to be tools of ministry; both he and I can reach people like us that might otherwise be untouched. We both are open and unashamed of sharing what we’ve experienced; his experiences with Bi-Polar type one and my experience with AS.

In my conversation with him, he was amazed with how open I was about my AS, how willing I was to talk about it, explain it, and answer questions. I realized that not many people know about high-functioning forms of autism because not many of us with them are open to questions and willing to talk about it. When you hear people talk about high-functioning autism (HFA) or AS, it’s a parent explaining their child’s strange behavior or a professional that doesn’t actually have HFA-AS. It’s a bit of a taboo subject for a lot of us. Maybe it’s because of the fear of being labeled a “freak” and rejected because of it. Maybe it’s because some of us are ashamed of being so very different from everyone else. Maybe it’s because some of us would just prefer to not talk at all. Everyone that doesn’t talk about it has a reason. Not all of them are the same, but I will not give myself a reason to be quiet about it. I want people to hear about it on the News and on TV shows. I want to, metaphorically, knock on the general public’s door and let them know about it. How many children will remain un-diagnosed and without help for their HFA-AS specific problems because not enough people know about HFA-AS?

I’m doing what I can to spread awareness. I hope to do more in the future. I hope that the question and answer post I’m working on will help to spread more awareness. What can you do to help?

Always,
Allie.

Anger

I am privy to discussions on topics throughout the week on Facebook that revolve around Asperger Syndrome. On Thursday, the topic was: “Have you ever been made to feel angry about NTs? What has caused this and do you think you could ever move on?” While I did comment with my own opinion on the matter, for the most part, I observed. And some of what I observed scared me. I saw such anger and bitterness towards “normal” people coming from Aspies. I’m not sure that I can even do the best job possible of writing this while so charged with emotion.

What I can say about how I feel on this topic is this: AS being part of who I am, their non-acceptance used to upset me. It makes me sad, not angry. Someone once asked “Can I slap the person that diagnosed you? I think you’re perfect.” Experiencing AS is part of what makes me who I am. Not all my friends, but some just won’t accept that; while there are set backs, there are also wonderful things about AS. Yes. I’m still friends with them and still love them, regardless of their varying degrees of acceptance. It’s hard though, because I want to share the wonderful parts of AS with them and are unable to because some reject AS as a whole. Most of my friends that know about it come to an understanding. They look back on the years that they’ve known me and they realize that it explains some of my stranger behavior. And they are fine with AS. They were my friends before they knew and they are still my friends now. Nothing has changed except that a door of understanding has been opened to them. I only know a very small number of people that reject it, and that’s fine with me. I know that there will always be the people that will not understand it, and that’s ok too.

In this online discussion, there was talk, from one person in particular, that came close to Hitler’s idea of weeding out all other races and only having one type of person left. This person gave the idea of an “Aspergian” community where only those with AS were welcomed and we would “defend ourselves and hold our ground and form a protective bloc(k) to shield us from this alien presence that is the NT.” I was appalled that anyone would even suggest a community in which my family, who are NT’s, would be unwelcomed and treated horribly simply because they were born NT. It would be like NT people deciding that all Aspies need to be shipped off somewhere, made sterile, and institutionalized. I love my family with all my heart. I can only say that I know 4 or 5 Aspies personally. I’ve never met any other Aspies in person. A good 99% of the people I know and care about are NT. Even if such a place existed, I would not go there.

It scared me to find that someone could let their bitterness get that serious. It scared me to find that someone could feel hate for those that he’d never met simply because they are different. Didn’t that exact same thing to him? Didn’t he feel rejected and mistreated? He wasn’t like them. He was different. If anything, he should not even think of doing to others what has hurt him the most. I do not agree in the least bit with what he said. Because of his AS, I’m sure that he’s intelligent and has many talents. I feel sorry for the NT people around him because they may never get to know how his different mind thinks, what a good friend he may make, what talents he has, or how he could possibly make their lives better. I feel sorry for him because he may never know a true friend in a NT or see life from a different point of view, a NT point of view. I guess there are those in both worlds that are intolerant of others. I am definitely glad to have experienced that there are people of compassion in both worlds.

Sincerely,
Allie.

Questions?

Recently, my family rented a movie, Temple Grandin, and for the first time, my little sisters expressed an interest in Autism. When watching this movie, my sister’s asked questions like: “Do you see things that way?” and “Allison, do you feel like that sometimes. They made comments like: “You’re not that bad.”, “I can see how you act like that sometimes.”, and “Allison, you’re the opposite of that.” I sat there trying to explain the differences between myself and Dr. Temple Grandin.

(Dr. Temple Grandin:
On top of writing articles on livestock handling, changing the world of cattle ranching, and receiving a PhD, she also changed the world of autism forever.
BA: Psychology at Franklin Pierce College, Masters: Animal Science at Arizona State University, and PhD: Animal Science at University of Illinois at Urbarra-Champaign.
Publications:
• Emergence: Labeled Autistic
• The Learning Style of People With Autism: An Autobiography
• Developing Talents: Careers for Individuals with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism
• Animals in Translation: Using the Mysteries of Autism to Decode Animal Behavior
• The unwritten Rules of social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspective of Autism
• The Way I See it: A Personal Look at Autism and Asperger Syndrome
• Animals Make us Human: Creating the Best Life for Animals)

High-Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger Syndrome (AS), though very similar, are considered different disorders. I have AS and Dr. Grandin has HFA. Because of similarities, people with HFA and people with AS are often grouped together and dealt with in similar manners. The high-functioning autism spectrum disorders include:
High-functioning autism: The child fits the definition of autism but has normal cognitive and learning abilities. The child may initially have had difficulty acquiring language, but eventually was able to speak at a level close to what is expected for his or her age.
Asperger syndrome: The child is similar to those with high-functioning autism, but has fewer symptoms and had little or no difficulty developing language

My family, including my sisters, has known about my AS for years, but I don’t think that my sisters realized just how big the world of HFA-AS is. It’s more than “Oh, Allison just acts that way because of her AS.” Since my little sisters, one 15 year old and two 13 year olds, had questions for me, I figured that their questions are similar to what other people ask when they are first really learning about what HFA-AS is like.
So, this post is my way of asking my readers to comment with any questions they have below or e-mail their questions to me at allie_shrimp_000@yahoo.com. I will use your questions to do a Q&A post. Thank you so much for your support.

Always,
Allie.