Archive | May 2012

Mothers: Past and Future

My mom. I love that woman dearly.
My mom. One of the most important people in my life.
My mom. I have no clue where I’d be without her.
My mom. The one that first diagnosed me with AS.
My mom. The one that’s held my hand through the rough times.
My mom. The steady, calm, patient one that raised me. (That poor woman.)
My mom. The source of comfort and wisdom.

My mom.
Teacher.
Confidant.
Mentor.
Parent.
Disciplinarian.
Coach.
Adviser.

I was raised by a good woman. She’s everything that a mother should be. She was a stay at home mom for most of my life. I grew up knowing that my mom was always there for me. No matter what, she was there. Now that I’m an adult, she is supportive of all that I do. My babysitting jobs, cleaning jobs, volunteer work, etc. She is everything that I need.

My grandma. The one that makes the best food ever.
My grandma. One of the most important people in my life.
My grandma. The one that I have tea with once a week.
My grandma. The one that spoils me.
My grandma. The one that listens to everything I have to say.
My grandma. The patient one that raised my mother (and her 6 siblings. That poor woman.)
My grandma. The source of comfort and wisdom.

My grandma.
Teacher.
Confidant.
Mentor.
Coach.
Adviser.
Comforter.
Lifeline.

My mother was raised by a good woman who, in turn, helped to raise me. She’s everything that a grandma should be. She has run a store and campground with my grandpa for longer than I’ve been alive. I grew up knowing that my grandma was there for me whenever I needed her. I grew up knowing that, while she was more lenient than my mother, she was not afraid to discipline me when needed. Now that I’m an adult, she’s supportive of all that I do and she’s proud of the woman I’ve grown into.

I am very proud of the line of strong women and mothers that I come from. These women have helped me to survive and to thrive in a seemingly alien world. I hope that one day I’ll be as good a mother to my children. Because AS is genetic, there’s a possibility that one of my kids will have AS. If one does, I’ll just have to be prepared and do my best. One step at a time, day by day. The same way that my mom did.

Thank you mom for everything you’ve done and what you will do. Thank you for making me strong and confidant. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for everything.

Your Little Girl,
Allie. ❤

Oops. Again.

I don’t talk much about my men-of-interest in my blog because it’s a bit of a difficult topic for me to deal with. I’ve decided, after much deliberation, that I do need to write about it because #1-it might help others to understand and #2-because not talking about it doesn’t seem to help me much.

It may just be me, but I think that relationships are one of the harder things for Aspies. It’s not like someone hands us a little book filled with “do’s and don’ts” so that we don’t ever mess things up. In fact, most of the time, I get so nervous about messing up that most of the social rules I’ve learned and perfected over the years go out the window. It’s never on purpose. It just happens, so I end up nursing wounds until the next hopeful comes along.

Yes. I’ll admit it. It’s me. It’s absolutely almost always me that messes things up. I become nervous in a situation in which I’ve never been before and I’ll improvise with whatever comes to my mind. I will slip up socially more than just a little bit and either make a fool of myself or of the man-of-interest. I become so absorbed with trying to make a good impression on the people in man-of-interest’s life that I forget about what is and is not acceptable.

………And then, seemingly out of nowhere, here comes the “let’s be friends” speech without any explanation as to why. Ouch. A million and one questions run through my mind. I look back to the most recent encounter with man-of-interest and notice something that I didn’t pick up that day. Me messing up AGAIN and him distancing himself from me. Ouch. (insert Christian expletives: Oh Snickerdoodles. Why in Heaven and Earth did I do that? GoodnessGraciousMeOhMy. Son of Buddha.) Why did I do that AGAIN?

After the “let’s be friends” speech comes the “I’m going to ignore you” period of time. Then comes the awkward moment when you see the former-man-of-interest where he ignores you and your million and one questions fall away leaving only one question: “Why?”

Then the verbal conformation comes and it is set in stone. It was because of your behavior. And if you’re anything like me, you slowly fall apart. You try to comfort yourself in every way that you know how, but it doesn’t seem to work. Cleaning your room, playing your video games, and reading your book are no longer places of solace. Reading my Bible is usually what finally lulls me to sleep.

It happens the same way every time. It’s not the first time and probably wont be the last either. You’d think that I’d have learned by now, but I’m not sure that it’s that easy and simple. Who knows what’s next. Is there a possibility that it wasn’t completely me? Yes. Is there a possibility that former-man-of-interest (who will still hold my interest for some time) will come back? Most likely not. *sigh* Oh well. I’ve become quite the expert at getting over it, moving on, and pretending it never happened. I’ll do the same. It’ll just take time.

The part that bothers me the most this last time was that I thought it would be different.

On Edge,
Allie.