Archive | July 2012

Suicidal Thoughts

I keep seeing this among those with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism. Whether or not you can tell, it does bother us when we’re left out or ostracized. Just feeling left out of a conversation can be depressing. I’m a very positive person, in case you haven’t noticed from my previous writings. I do my best to see the silver lining to every cloud. There was a time, however, that I went through a depression.

I didn’t really tell anyone about it. It hurt. It was when I was in middle school. I didn’t really talk to people my age. At lunch time, I would help the ladies in the cafeteria serve lunch and talk to them. I tried to hang out with people my age, and it’s not that they were rude or that they ignored me. I just didn’t feel like I fit in at all. It hurt that I didn’t fit in. Even my close family friends made me feel unwanted and annoying.

Quite honestly, I considered cutting myself along with other methods of self mutilation. I asked myself if anyone would miss me if I died. I asked myself if anyone would care that I was gone. I asked myself if people would be better off without me. I asked myself why the people that I cared about most didn’t want me around. I asked why I seemed to be good and talented at absolutely nothing. I had no clue why I didn’t fit in or why I was hurting. I was confused and depressed. If I wasn’t afraid of blood, I would have been a cutter. Instead of tearing and cutting myself, I would tear and cut other things. Paper, stuffed animals, clothes, cardboard, wood, etc. I would tear and cut and destroy things and cry and cry and cry. I would empty all the contents of my room onto the floor in a rage. No one knew how depressed I was. I would always smile in public so that people couldn’t see. I would hide the things that I had destroyed. I would clean my room, organize until it was spotless.

I had one good friend that was my silver lining, Chaka. He would talk to me in classes that I would have been silent in otherwise. He made me feel like I wasn’t some sort of freak that people avoided. He made me feel like I was worth talking to. He helped me to be adventurous and confidant. He, in his own way, coached me in things social. He encouraged others to talk to me too. When they talked to me and got to know me, they liked me, even though I was quirky. I made friends because of him. He helped me throughout 8th grade and all of High School. I still talk to him and he still helps me sometimes. If it weren’t for him, I’m not sure if things would have been worse. I don’t think that I could thank him enough for what he did.

Honest depression is something very hard to deal with, especially if you have a form of HFA and don’t understand emotions in the first place. Sometimes it’s caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and sometimes it’s caused by something in your life. Not fitting in, a breakup, a death. It can be a number of things. I understand being depressed. I understand going through that. I do. One thing I don’t understand is advertising how depressed you are. I don’t understand why someone would want to share their innermost pain. Is it for attention? Or is it a genuine cry for help? Though, I’ve seen someone advertise their depression and then reject the help that people were offering. If you don’t want help, why tell people that you do? It confuses me. Another thing that confuses me is the desire to end one’s own life. I don’t understand. Life is such a precious thing, no matter how painful it is, it’s worth living. No one ever said that life would be easy. It’s going to be hard, and even more so for those of us with HFA-AS. Having HFA-AS creates another hurtle that we need to pass over in life.

I’m not depressed anymore. I live a happy life. I live to help other people, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve improved my social skills and made my life easier through all the practice and memorization of all things social. I see the silver lining in almost all situations. I love my life, difficulties and all. All the things I’ve gone through have helped to shape me into the person I am today. So, my advice to those that are suffering from depression and such, is that all you can do is take it one step at a time. Live the life you have to the best of your ability. Make it a life worth living. Volunteer, help someone else out. It’ll humble you and make you feel useful.

Confidant,
Allie.

Gripping Shards Of Glass

I don’t know about you, but I can pretty much remember everything that every person has done to hurt me. I can remember every bad thing that’s happened to me. I remember how my older sister used to treat me, I remember things that people have said to me, I remember my cousin’s death, etc. I have a good memory, and I could feel justified to hold it against people if I wanted to. I could treat my older sister with disdain and say, “Well, you made me feel worthless.” I could treat my co-worker with disgust and say, “Well, you made me feel stupid and ignorant.” I could turn my back on God and say, “You took my cousin when he had such a bright future and many people that loved him.” I could hold onto all of these things and more. I could, but I do not.

I know those with AS and HFA are often very logical people. If this person hurt me, I cannot trust them, so why would I keep them around? Logically, if someone were to repeat a negative behavior, I should not let go of what they did to me. Logically, if I’m burnt once, I wont touch what I burned myself on again. It is logical to remember, to hold it against people that have done me wrong. It’s logical, but is it right?

When someone does something to hurt me, it’s like they break the glass figurine representing what it is that I’ve tried to give them, whether that be friendship, courtesy, love, or many other things. Having been broken in my hand, the glass cuts me and I bleed. Depending on how large the shards are and how deep the cuts are, the time that I bleed from these wounds is for either a short period of time or a long period of time. The cuts hurt, but eventually they will heal. The proper way to care for these wounds would be to remove the shards of glass from the cuts and to clean and bandage them up. In other words, the correct way to deal with the people that hurt us would be to take what they did out of our wounds and clean and bandage the situation. However, most people, after the shock of having the glass figurine break in their hand, leave the shards of glass in their wounds and grip them harder to cut deeper and deeper, to keep the wound bleeding longer.

Think about it. If the things that people have done to hurt you were actually shards of glass that you were holding onto, would you grip tighter or would you let go of it and take care of your wound? It isn’t healthy for you to hold onto shards of glass and injure yourself further. Just the same as the metaphor, it isn’t healthy for your heart to hold onto things.

So, to all you logical thinkers out there, think of all the scientific studies that show that happy people are healthier and live longer. Think about how happy people are people that don’t hold onto things that have hurt them, and don’t depress themselves by dwelling on the negative of their life. Happy people forgive and are forgiven in return. Think logically. Happiness can be a choice. You can choose to be happy and healthy and to live a long life.

I decided to forgive the people that have hurt me. I decided to be happy.

What will you decide to do?

Forgiven and Forgiving,
Allie.