I keep seeing this among those with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism. Whether or not you can tell, it does bother us when we’re left out or ostracized. Just feeling left out of a conversation can be depressing. I’m a very positive person, in case you haven’t noticed from my previous writings. I do my best to see the silver lining to every cloud. There was a time, however, that I went through a depression.
I didn’t really tell anyone about it. It hurt. It was when I was in middle school. I didn’t really talk to people my age. At lunch time, I would help the ladies in the cafeteria serve lunch and talk to them. I tried to hang out with people my age, and it’s not that they were rude or that they ignored me. I just didn’t feel like I fit in at all. It hurt that I didn’t fit in. Even my close family friends made me feel unwanted and annoying.
Quite honestly, I considered cutting myself along with other methods of self mutilation. I asked myself if anyone would miss me if I died. I asked myself if anyone would care that I was gone. I asked myself if people would be better off without me. I asked myself why the people that I cared about most didn’t want me around. I asked why I seemed to be good and talented at absolutely nothing. I had no clue why I didn’t fit in or why I was hurting. I was confused and depressed. If I wasn’t afraid of blood, I would have been a cutter. Instead of tearing and cutting myself, I would tear and cut other things. Paper, stuffed animals, clothes, cardboard, wood, etc. I would tear and cut and destroy things and cry and cry and cry. I would empty all the contents of my room onto the floor in a rage. No one knew how depressed I was. I would always smile in public so that people couldn’t see. I would hide the things that I had destroyed. I would clean my room, organize until it was spotless.
I had one good friend that was my silver lining, Chaka. He would talk to me in classes that I would have been silent in otherwise. He made me feel like I wasn’t some sort of freak that people avoided. He made me feel like I was worth talking to. He helped me to be adventurous and confidant. He, in his own way, coached me in things social. He encouraged others to talk to me too. When they talked to me and got to know me, they liked me, even though I was quirky. I made friends because of him. He helped me throughout 8th grade and all of High School. I still talk to him and he still helps me sometimes. If it weren’t for him, I’m not sure if things would have been worse. I don’t think that I could thank him enough for what he did.
Honest depression is something very hard to deal with, especially if you have a form of HFA and don’t understand emotions in the first place. Sometimes it’s caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and sometimes it’s caused by something in your life. Not fitting in, a breakup, a death. It can be a number of things. I understand being depressed. I understand going through that. I do. One thing I don’t understand is advertising how depressed you are. I don’t understand why someone would want to share their innermost pain. Is it for attention? Or is it a genuine cry for help? Though, I’ve seen someone advertise their depression and then reject the help that people were offering. If you don’t want help, why tell people that you do? It confuses me. Another thing that confuses me is the desire to end one’s own life. I don’t understand. Life is such a precious thing, no matter how painful it is, it’s worth living. No one ever said that life would be easy. It’s going to be hard, and even more so for those of us with HFA-AS. Having HFA-AS creates another hurtle that we need to pass over in life.
I’m not depressed anymore. I live a happy life. I live to help other people, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve improved my social skills and made my life easier through all the practice and memorization of all things social. I see the silver lining in almost all situations. I love my life, difficulties and all. All the things I’ve gone through have helped to shape me into the person I am today. So, my advice to those that are suffering from depression and such, is that all you can do is take it one step at a time. Live the life you have to the best of your ability. Make it a life worth living. Volunteer, help someone else out. It’ll humble you and make you feel useful.