Yesterday was a rough day. I was fighting a meltdown most of the morning. My meltdowns, now that I’m older are more tears than tantrum. I just can’t handle things and I cry.
Job Corps is starting to get on my last nerves. I’ve become more irritable, aggressive, and cynical; most likely caused by my surroundings and the people that I have to put up with. I dislike living in a place where I don’t know anyone that is capable of giving me comfort. I don’t get hugs. I don’t get to cuddle with anyone. I don’t get to hold hands with anyone. When I’m home, I get hugs, I get to cuddle up on the couch with my sisters or parents while I’m watching a movie, and I get to hold my mom or sister’s hands. It makes me feel more comfortable. I can relax. I need these little things to keep me sane; to feel loved and significant.
Even the best relationships need work. They can be emotionally exhausting at times. Things with The Medic are great. I love him with all my heart. He’s super sweet and understanding with me being an emotional female. He understands when I have trouble handling things. He listens to all of my crazy. All of this, however, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t require work.
Sunday, I talked to one of my new roommates, The Snore, about going to bed earlier because the other three women that live in the room prefer to go to bed at a normal hour.
The story behind it: The Snore is a night owl. It’s not her fault. Her body clock is on a different time. What is her fault, however, is her disregard for her other roommate’s need for sleep. I wake up at 5:30AM Monday through Friday. Monday and Tuesday, I have class and the bus leaves early. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I have work and I leave equally early. For the two months that she’s lived in the room, I’ve lost a lot of sleep and a little of my sanity. I can’t even dislike her because she’s really nice. She just conveniently forgets every time that I give her the specifics of when I can’t fall asleep; I can’t fall asleep if lights are on, if the TV is on, if people are talking, or if people are moving around the room. I know that I’ve made it clear just about every other day for the last month and a half.
When I talked to her about going to bed earlier, I made eye contact and I was assertive (like The Medic encourages me to do). She understood and she agreed to trying it out. That night, she did exactly what she’d agreed to. She went to bed at a normal time. A little earlier, I’d tried to call The Medic to say goodnight. He didn’t answer (a little something that occurs frequently enough to irritate me). I was lying in bed, irritated, and then The Snore started snoring. From 10PM to about 1:30AM, I categorized her snoring into four categories.
1 – Little Girl Snore: Loud on the inhale and a small, high-pitched squeal on the exhale.
2 – 70 Year-Old Man Snore: Loud, obnoxious, and unrelenting all around.
3 – Bull Frog Snore: The exhale literally sounds like a bull frog.
4 – Wake-Up Snore: She snored so loud that she half woke herself up and made a little snorting noise.
After about four hours of sleep (much less than I want/need), I woke up in quite the murderous mood. I got to school, and The Medic called me (inspired to do so by my irritated and aggressive texts). We talked about it, and came to an agreement. Then, I had to go to class. In class, I started thinking about the impending doom of a huge deadline. My time at Job Corps needs to come to an end by a certain day. The projected date is June 13th. My class for accounting ends the last week of May. I still have three chapters of QuickBooks left to do and other classwork, and tests after that. I’m only in class two days a week, and I’m starting to feel the pressure of finishing on time. Even after I finish the Accounting class, I have Job Corps paperwork and things to wrap up. It’s a lot to do.
Everything that’s going on is just so overwhelming. I couldn’t handle it. Holding back tears, I made it to the bathroom to blow my nose. I ended up texting my mom, telling her about the situation. The Medic was busy at work, and I needed someone that would understand. She texted back almost immediately and helped me out of the impending tears. She reminded me that the Bible tells us to think on all things good (not a direct quote). I do have a lot of things going for me. It’s so easy to focus on all the things that are negative and overwhelming and scary. I need to keep my mind on things that are positive. Not to say that I become overly optimistic and unrealistic, but being positive is better than melting down, anytime.
Life is overwhelming. Really overwhelming, but it’s great! There’s always something good that you can focus on. Meltdowns are probably always going to be something lingering in the background. I’ve said before that meltdowns are avoidable if you can recognize the signs are adjust accordingly. Even with adjustments to prevent a meltdown, the impending doom is hard to shoo away sometimes. My suggestion, do your best. If you can’t prevent it, that’s okay. Better luck next time, and keep your head up because life is great!