The pregnancy is much better now. I’m starting to get a belly and I can eat again! My next ultrasound is this week and we should be finding out the gender. I feel the baby moving a lot. It’s kind of amazing. Exciting!
But with the extra hormones come extra sensitivity. I don’t like being touched anymore. If I don’t give you permission to touch me, I don’t want you to touch me. Don’t touch my belly. I don’t remember a day in my life that I have been so anti-touch. It’s an odd thing for me. But wait! There’s more! For the first time, that I can remember, I don’t want to spend any time with my friends. Not any at all. It’s too stressful. I’d rather just be home alone. If I spend time with them, I have to pay attention to their problems, give them advice, and deal with their emotions. It’s exhausting. I have to work harder to be a good friend and pretend that I want their company. It’s a terrible thing to fake. I hate it. It’s not their fault. It’s not that I don’t care for them or that I don’t like them. I’m just so much more easily overwhelmed right now. I’ve started having Meltdowns again. It’s not fun.
With one friend, there’s no avoiding it. She’s living with me right now. I can’t ignore phone calls and texts because she’s in my livingroom. I can’t fake sleeping all day because I don’t feel like being around anyone. I no longer have a box to retreat to. It’s stressing me out to no end. Not to mention that my husband has been gone, in the field, while most of this has been happening. (With him, it’s just different. He doesn’t overwhelm me. He doesn’t make me feel like hiding. He’s a part of me and it’s just not the same as with other people.)
I feel like a horrible person and a terrible friend, but I honestly have zero control over how easily overwhelmed I am at the moment. Just yesterday, I curled up in Moises’ arms and told him “It’s gotten worse. My Asperger Syndrome has gotten worse.” I didn’t know that it could change so drastically. It took me a long time to get to where I’m at, and pregnancy hormones have dropped me down quite a few notches; overnight and without warning. As if everything else in my life weren’t enough to incapacitate me.
It’s hard and it’s hurting the people I care about. I guess pregnancy just isn’t easy on me, period.