In light of recent changes, I’ve done a self-evaluation and found that I do not know who I am. Every person experiences this at some point, the inner journey to find who one truly is. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had people telling me who to be, people telling me who not to be, and my own voice telling me to choose one, the other, or go in a completely different direction altogether. For as long as I can remember, I’ve morphed into different forms of myself for people who needed them. And as I sit here, today, when no one particularly needs any of my different forms, I wonder which form of me is my true form or if any of it is truly me at all.
I like to be needed, to put others before myself. When I’m not needed, I feel lost; I feel that I’m living without purpose. I like to learn more about others so that I can better shape myself into the person that they need me to be at that moment. I do not, however, pretend to like something I do not like, or to want something that I do not want. My dreams, my likes, my desires do not change depending on who I’m with. Getting to know people just broadens my tastes, my view of the world.
There are many things that I am. I’m a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a confidant, an acquaintance, a mother (symbolically, of course), a listening ear, a voice of reason, a partner in crime, and a fixer of broken things. I care for others more than I care for myself. I need to be needed. I am important, I am valuable, I am loved. I am compassionate and understanding, yet filled with wrath. I am stubborn, but willing to look at things from different perspectives. I am all these things to differing degrees, on different days, with different people. These forms of me, these things that I become to help others, they are all me. This is who I am. This is who I’ve always been, and it’s been here all along.
I am Allie, and I wear many hats because it’s what I do to take care of the people that I love.
I am Allie, and I am many different things, but that’s ok because that’s who I am.