Breaking Up

*sigh*

Breaking up with someone that you really care about is hard. The boyfriend and I recently broke up. It wasn’t easy on either of us. He even wanted to remain friends, but that’s something that I cannot do. It is typical that in a relationship, an Aspie will form what is called a “partner obsession”. This obsession takes many different forms and depends on the Aspie. My form of obsession is like falling in love for the first time. Every time I’ve come very close to a partner or potential partner, it’s like he becomes my first love. This is the second times it’s happened. I cannot be friends with him because I will never see him that way. He will always be the one that I loved much more than my first “first love”. I can’t talk to him without remembering the time when he loved me and wanted to be with me too, and that it’s over now. It just hurts too much, and I honestly would just be putting myself through torture that I can’t handle.

People expect me to hate him, but I don’t. I don’t hate him and I don’t regret anything about being with him. I’ve grown so much because of him, because he gave me the courage to grow. When I met him, I was still very unsure about my social ability and who I was in them. I was afraid to go new places, I was afraid of people, and I was afraid of where my personal growth would take me. Since I met him, I’m secure in my social ability and who I am in them. I want to go new places and experience new things, I’ve met complete strangers and had them like me right away (even if I am still a little awkward), and I want to grow even more! I actually want to create a life for myself somewhere, wherever life takes me.

Yes. It hurts. Yes. I want to just shut out the world until I can deal with this, losing the person I called “best friend”, the person who gave me the courage to do things I never thought I would do. I miss my best friend. But the world will move on and pass me by if I let it. I know it’s rough right now. I’m not going to let life pass me by. I’m going to continue growing.

Healing,
Allie.

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