Suicidal Thoughts

I keep seeing this among those with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism. Whether or not you can tell, it does bother us when we’re left out or ostracized. Just feeling left out of a conversation can be depressing. I’m a very positive person, in case you haven’t noticed from my previous writings. I do my best to see the silver lining to every cloud. There was a time, however, that I went through a depression.

I didn’t really tell anyone about it. It hurt. It was when I was in middle school. I didn’t really talk to people my age. At lunch time, I would help the ladies in the cafeteria serve lunch and talk to them. I tried to hang out with people my age, and it’s not that they were rude or that they ignored me. I just didn’t feel like I fit in at all. It hurt that I didn’t fit in. Even my close family friends made me feel unwanted and annoying.

Quite honestly, I considered cutting myself along with other methods of self mutilation. I asked myself if anyone would miss me if I died. I asked myself if anyone would care that I was gone. I asked myself if people would be better off without me. I asked myself why the people that I cared about most didn’t want me around. I asked why I seemed to be good and talented at absolutely nothing. I had no clue why I didn’t fit in or why I was hurting. I was confused and depressed. If I wasn’t afraid of blood, I would have been a cutter. Instead of tearing and cutting myself, I would tear and cut other things. Paper, stuffed animals, clothes, cardboard, wood, etc. I would tear and cut and destroy things and cry and cry and cry. I would empty all the contents of my room onto the floor in a rage. No one knew how depressed I was. I would always smile in public so that people couldn’t see. I would hide the things that I had destroyed. I would clean my room, organize until it was spotless.

I had one good friend that was my silver lining, Chaka. He would talk to me in classes that I would have been silent in otherwise. He made me feel like I wasn’t some sort of freak that people avoided. He made me feel like I was worth talking to. He helped me to be adventurous and confidant. He, in his own way, coached me in things social. He encouraged others to talk to me too. When they talked to me and got to know me, they liked me, even though I was quirky. I made friends because of him. He helped me throughout 8th grade and all of High School. I still talk to him and he still helps me sometimes. If it weren’t for him, I’m not sure if things would have been worse. I don’t think that I could thank him enough for what he did.

Honest depression is something very hard to deal with, especially if you have a form of HFA and don’t understand emotions in the first place. Sometimes it’s caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and sometimes it’s caused by something in your life. Not fitting in, a breakup, a death. It can be a number of things. I understand being depressed. I understand going through that. I do. One thing I don’t understand is advertising how depressed you are. I don’t understand why someone would want to share their innermost pain. Is it for attention? Or is it a genuine cry for help? Though, I’ve seen someone advertise their depression and then reject the help that people were offering. If you don’t want help, why tell people that you do? It confuses me. Another thing that confuses me is the desire to end one’s own life. I don’t understand. Life is such a precious thing, no matter how painful it is, it’s worth living. No one ever said that life would be easy. It’s going to be hard, and even more so for those of us with HFA-AS. Having HFA-AS creates another hurtle that we need to pass over in life.

I’m not depressed anymore. I live a happy life. I live to help other people, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve improved my social skills and made my life easier through all the practice and memorization of all things social. I see the silver lining in almost all situations. I love my life, difficulties and all. All the things I’ve gone through have helped to shape me into the person I am today. So, my advice to those that are suffering from depression and such, is that all you can do is take it one step at a time. Live the life you have to the best of your ability. Make it a life worth living. Volunteer, help someone else out. It’ll humble you and make you feel useful.

Confidant,
Allie.

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13 thoughts on “Suicidal Thoughts

  1. Good Blog!

    Interesting Topic.

    I have been suffering from Chronic Depression for many years and, for me, the suicidal thoughts are not something I can rationalise for they come as urges to do something against what I want or believe in.

    They only get that bad when I have periods of great stress, but when they do come, all I can do is make sure that I reject them, fight them and so far I have been successful.

    The one thing I make sure of is that I never drink or take anything that may cloud my judgement; I feel I need to keep my wits about me.

    I know I am only speaking for myself but does that help?

    Keep Blogging, You do it so well!

  2. Aspergers syndrome is not a disease, it is a disorder. It is true that we don’t have any cure for it, even we are not aware about cause also. But with the help of therapies, people with Aspergers syndrome can live life with better conditions.

    • “Children with Aspergers” sure Asperger Syndrome is not a disease, but what makes you have merit to say that? Sure it don’t spread to others, but I question is this “disorder” even real. You see more of these people in Harvard and Stanford and they get a “label” to get away being called a “jerk”

      Asperger Syndrome and traditional autism and the 2000s version of high functioning autism is getting so blurred. I really would appreciate the elitests would change their tune and start advocating a separation of Asperger Syndrome and autism, since AS degrades autism as highly functioning people with no severe developmental or emotional (or even intellectual delays.)

      I apologize to the writer for digressing on this subject.

    • And also, with other developmental disorders, intellectual disorders, social disorders/whatever, its known fact that people with Downs Syndrome have a shorter lifespan. What are we to know if that is the same with autism (traditional or PDD-NOS?) I have had to deal with a lot of stress in my life, will those stressors cause cancer, heart disease or suicide in a later point in life?

      We don’t know, because for someone that don’t have Asperger Syndrome (the actual name mind you) it to me MIGHT be a disease. Autism is “still very new” while the large number in the “bubble” born after 1987 to 1992 that are dealing with unnecessary stressors caused by the American education system that was engineered to cause deliberate failure for the most vulnerable citizens.

      Maybe since almost every socially awkward people are proud with their AS label, maybe they won’t have a short lifespan. The way I have been getting through life, I am probably will see my end of day in less than 30 years. So in fact, Autism CAN be an indirect disease with the unnecessary stressors. We’ll have to wait around 2040 to see the numbers IF an uptick of premature deaths related to autism. I’m hedging my bets it will be true.

  3. I think for me it is the loneliness and the rejection which causes the depression, also the inner scars from bullying which make you lose your confidence. What helps me stay strong in hard times is my faith in God which without that I would have nothing. I feel that God is helping me get better by letting me work with pre-teens that have AS and helping them.

    • I feel similarly. Without God, I’m not sure that I would have made it through. Reading the word helped to calm my depressed spirit. I want to find a way to help those with HFA in my area. Because most people can’t tell that I’m an Aspie or even socially awkward, it gives the example that they can reach a point where people wont be able to see them in that way either.

  4. I can’t talk for all depressed blogger obviously! But for me, it helps to get the thoughts out of my head to write them down and then to send them away by publishing them. It gives perspective too. 🙂

  5. I had my bouts of depression. I had thoughts and plans of such things too. I rarely had physically abused myself, actually I had done it more in recent times than in the past. In fact, my IM client’s “away messages” were more the electronic “self-mulation.” It was like how else could I express my frustrations of the collapse of my family, the inferior school program and as time would go on my “friends” turning my heads against me? I wished I could prosecute my friends for not being “Good Samaritans” if in fact I did do something that wasn’t proper! I did this same thing on my old Facebook account (but that was different because I went back to hell after my 21st birthday which you’d think a sane person would have some clue of what one would go through with a sudden change of finishing school.) Oh wait, most AS individuals from my days didn’t stay till they were 21 – so what do I know.

    Sure some people of all groups of autism related disorders experience such suicide or suicidal thoughts. My answer is to layoff the medications if you are a teenager, because let me tell you a decade ago I was in such disaster, and some of it might had been migrated if I wasn’t on such powerful and destructive drugs. I wasn’t your typical rebious teenager until the last few years. (I am now in my mid 20s.) I can’t speak for Asperger Syndrome people, as many of the appear to be “very” normal and can ether a) hide their issues very well or b) they aren’t in such destructive depression.

    I’m glad in your case that “someone upstairs” is watching you. I don’t want to get too deep since I am an enterprise journalist about religion, but someone like me doesn’t have much faith of higher power (maybe it was the liberal indoctrination since i did go to school in Massachusetts and the not so open minded people in the churches w people with disabilities.) However, I am not the kinda guy who would volunteer to get past his depression. To me it doesn’t have much social value. Why should i do some job without pay and think the real value is to help someone? I don’t know, maybe thats the selfish side of my ASD.

    Thanks,

    Steven
    Publisher,
    The Forgotten Autistic.

  6. Great blog, you’ve pretty much summed up my struggle with HFA Autism and Depression. I think no matter how well you seem to be functioning it’s always going to take it out on you more than a ‘neurotypical’, Anger, depression, self-mutilation are all ways of expressing that. I don’t know about you but sometimes I’m more freaked out by feeling different from the depression than the depression itself, I have a really low tolerance to emotional changes because I can’t understand them, my head’s like a jumbled mess and all the pieces don’t fit together. Keep writing please =]

    • Thank you. I appreciate your comment. Sometimes it’s good to just know that there’s someone else out there that feels the same way that you do. That you’re not completely alone. 🙂 Thanks, once again.

      Allie.

  7. myself, high functioning..(some of the terms just kind of get me)…53 yr old man numerous health issues and the knowledge that as a small child (before memory kicked in) traumatic birth mild brain damage and blue…but this was all kept from me until about 7-8 months ago my mom (dad deceased and bad story anyways) after asking her something admitted to all of this…all of this and then some led me to some very dark and final places, in thought and in ways…action…im now actually somehow trying to go through every day of my life and all i do is wonder what if they had told me much earlier…yet…today i have a couple of nephews and possibly a couple others who, i suppose because of me my siblings are truly working as best they can to help and learn and understand and are there for them…but yet again..when its night time or day, im usually alone and not very ambulatory so again alot of time alone…and as many of us know especialoly after such a recent exp of finding out left me with very little except the streets (more than 2 years) drinking drugs anything to find peace..but without that available to me there were little options left..more matter of “the suicidal ideations” if this were the only thing i have to deal with id be alot better off , meaning health issues that cause health issues ..each one somehow making one or two of the others worse i.e. diabetes long term uncontrolled and with that having lowered immune system they are worried that the “latent tuberculosis” will become active..and honestly that is only one thing…understand please that even though i can say i knew there had to be others that wow..high functioning? he looks fine hes just no good and a bad kid and hes gonna be dead or in prison..P.S. that last part was actually my own mothers words ..as i was saying seeing your post gave me something solid to read at a time when i was able to read it(issue for me) and to read it was extremely helpful..ive noticed in some circles people even knowing something of the spectrum believe or think “he talks he looks fine and so on and so on” guess i said all this to just say thank you..it does help to hear someone else story if nothing else just to know youre not alone (corny sounding i know lol)

    • Thank you for sharing. Sad that you went through all that, but it sounds like you came out on the other side better for it. This is the reason that I share things: so other people can read it and know that they aren’t alone. It’s not corny at all. It is hard, in a way, that we can look and speak normally even though we are so different.

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