Dealing With Death

Since those with Asperger Syndrome have a hard time dealing with and interpreting emotions in the first place, it’s especially hard when emotions are heightened. Dealing with death is a very hard thing. When it comes to other’s loved ones, I have no clue what to say. When it comes to my loved ones, I can hardly speak at all. I don’t have the words to describe how it feels to lose someone that I loved dearly. I don’t have the words to express how I feel when other’s loved ones die.

I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not vengeful. I’m just sad. Sad, sad, sad.

This afternooon (USA Western Time), my cousin was driving in a truck with three of his friends. I have no clue what it was that they were doing in that truck or why they were going fast enough to wrap the truck around a light pole when the driver lost control of the truck. When they crashed, my cousin’s aorta separated from his heart. He died about two minutes before the helicopter reached the hospital. My cousin turned 19 just last month. He had a scholarship to play football. He was a nice, talented, and wonderful young man. It was a life cut too short.

I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not vengeful. I’m just sad. Sad, sad, sad.

When I heard about the accident, the self stimming began immediately. (My self stimming when I was younger was sucking my thumb.) I wasn’t going to suck my thumb with a bunch of people around, so I used my hand to rub my thumb. My mom told one of the Pastors at church about it and the whole church prayed for him. We didn’t find out about his death until after church. People gave their apologies and hugs and prayers, but I just wanted to be home. The prayers were much appreciated and it helps, but I just wanted to be able to mourn in private and be able to prepare myself before having to deal with the news and a bunch of people all at the same time. Now my cousin is one of those people that you don’t know that you read about in the news. “One killed, others injured in crash.” I got through being at the church and finally broke down when I got home. I sucked my thumb for the first time since my Grandpa died 6 years ago, and the second time since I stopped nine years ago. And then I rubbed my hands together and pet my hair and curled up in a ball.

I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not vengeful. I’m just sad. Sad, sad, sad.

I don’t know how to deal with death. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I end up being the blubbering person that gets in the way of everything or the stone-cold person that seems unfeeling. I don’t know how to deal with death, but that’s ok. I don’t think anyone really does. I think we all just do what we can, do what we think we need to do. As for me, I need to finish my falling apart and try to be strong for my family.As for those with AS, just give yourself time. You’ll figure out your own way of dealing with the deaths of those you love.Just hang in there. You’ll make it through.

I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not vengeful. I’m just sad.

We may not have always agreed or gotten along well, but I love you. We grew up together. You are my cousin and you are in my heart always. We didn’t have a lot in common, other than our stubbornness and anger issues, but you were a part of my life that I will never forget.

Love You Always,


10 thoughts on “Dealing With Death

  1. A moving account, that is well written and says much.

    I don’t believe anyone knows how to deal with death. Yet the one thing we must all do is to grieve for what, or who, has passed.Our body, our mind, will tell us when and how. Some will do it easily and openly for all to see, some will do it privately when they are alone.
    For some it will come instantly, for others it may take days or even weeks, until some trigger releases it.
    I don’t believe Aspies can be judged differently, for everyone it is individual.

    The most I would say is that we tend to feel emotion very deeply and can shut it away until we can deal with it.

    I am very sorry that a young life ended in that way. We grieve for the loss yet it is the living who are left to feel the pain …

    Prayer for the strength to carry on will always be answered …

    God bless you …

  2. Hey Allie I am so sorry for your family’s loss. A lot of us don’t know how to process what we feel. It’s not just Aspies. The great part for you and my son is that you both have coping mechanisms in place, even if they may not be considered socially acceptable. If you need to suck your thumb, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to do it. The way some of us cope after a loss like yours would be to lose ourselves in alcohol, sex, work, or drugs. Sucking your thumb doesn’t hurt anyone. My son like to hide under a table when he is upset, and that doesn’t hurt anyone either but for some reason his teachers in the public school system don’t like him doing it. At least he knows what he needs to do to calm himself down.

  3. Allie, I have known Donovan since the day he was born. He was a treasure to our family. My grandgirl is an Aspie and her feelings are so deeply intense. Thanks for sharing this. Much love and hugs going out to you and yours.

      • Allie,

        I certainly plan to be there and will look for you. My granddaughter won’t be with me because she lives in Utah but I’d love a chance to talk with you about her at some point. I read your post today about Yohan. So very sweet. I’m glad he has you to help him along. I can see that you are a very positive influence on those around you.

        I’ll see you soon.


      • Thank you. 🙂 It was certainly nice to see you too and have a little chat. I will be staying until the viewing, so I’ll probably see you then too.

        Until Next Time,

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