I don’t talk much about my men-of-interest in my blog because it’s a bit of a difficult topic for me to deal with. I’ve decided, after much deliberation, that I do need to write about it because #1-it might help others to understand and #2-because not talking about it doesn’t seem to help me much.
It may just be me, but I think that relationships are one of the harder things for Aspies. It’s not like someone hands us a little book filled with “do’s and don’ts” so that we don’t ever mess things up. In fact, most of the time, I get so nervous about messing up that most of the social rules I’ve learned and perfected over the years go out the window. It’s never on purpose. It just happens, so I end up nursing wounds until the next hopeful comes along.
Yes. I’ll admit it. It’s me. It’s absolutely almost always me that messes things up. I become nervous in a situation in which I’ve never been before and I’ll improvise with whatever comes to my mind. I will slip up socially more than just a little bit and either make a fool of myself or of the man-of-interest. I become so absorbed with trying to make a good impression on the people in man-of-interest’s life that I forget about what is and is not acceptable.
………And then, seemingly out of nowhere, here comes the “let’s be friends” speech without any explanation as to why. Ouch. A million and one questions run through my mind. I look back to the most recent encounter with man-of-interest and notice something that I didn’t pick up that day. Me messing up AGAIN and him distancing himself from me. Ouch. (insert Christian expletives: Oh Snickerdoodles. Why in Heaven and Earth did I do that? GoodnessGraciousMeOhMy. Son of Buddha.) Why did I do that AGAIN?
After the “let’s be friends” speech comes the “I’m going to ignore you” period of time. Then comes the awkward moment when you see the former-man-of-interest where he ignores you and your million and one questions fall away leaving only one question: “Why?”
Then the verbal conformation comes and it is set in stone. It was because of your behavior. And if you’re anything like me, you slowly fall apart. You try to comfort yourself in every way that you know how, but it doesn’t seem to work. Cleaning your room, playing your video games, and reading your book are no longer places of solace. Reading my Bible is usually what finally lulls me to sleep.
It happens the same way every time. It’s not the first time and probably wont be the last either. You’d think that I’d have learned by now, but I’m not sure that it’s that easy and simple. Who knows what’s next. Is there a possibility that it wasn’t completely me? Yes. Is there a possibility that former-man-of-interest (who will still hold my interest for some time) will come back? Most likely not. *sigh* Oh well. I’ve become quite the expert at getting over it, moving on, and pretending it never happened. I’ll do the same. It’ll just take time.
The part that bothers me the most this last time was that I thought it would be different.