I was going through my writing from years ago (once again) and found something I wrote about a meltdown I had had (among other things that were going on). It’s a little confusing, even to me. I wrote it to my teacher in one of the “Daily Writes” she had us do. It’s a bunch of different issues all put onto paper. Here goes:
Monday, March 30, 2009
For once, I actually have nothing exciting to tell you. The past few weeks have gone by so quick and they all seemed normal. Normal, boring, bland. However, for some reason, my irritability has become sensitive and touchy. I try to control it as best as I can, but it’s hard when I have two 10 year old sisters. They’ve been having friends over more often. Yesterday, one of the twins really got to me. I kinda went off by myself and broke down. It felt like everything, every itty-bitty irritation and problem had piled up and it was let loose at this moment. It felt good to cry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Later on in the day, the children’s church pastor asked me why I was cleaning the church’s kitchen by myself and doing all the work (even though someone was supposed to be helping me). It felt good to know that at least one person realized how much of the work I was doing. I sorta feel like there is this great weight on my shoulders. It hurts my back, but can I live without it? Doing all that cleaning makes me feel needed. If I wasn’t cleaning, would they even need me anymore? My mom say’s I have the heart of a hostess. Is that why I have a need to be needed and to please people? Making people happy lifts my spirits. When I cook and serve people, it gives me a sense of purpose.
At the time that I wrote this, I didn’t know that it was an Aspie meltdown that I was describing. I expressed the feeling of wanting to be needed. I hadn’t found my place and purpose yet. It was a difficult time. I was still frustrated and didn’t understand why I acted the way I did or why I felt the way I did.
Now, I can look at my behavior and analyze it. It’s been a long, hard road to be on, but I’ve made it this far. Now, I know what my purpose is. I know where I belong. Your road, however long it may be, can be conquered. Look at how far I’ve come. You can make it there and farther.