Just when things seemed to be getting better, I’m reminded of my Asperger Syndrome. Last night there was a ladies event at our church. I was asked to run the child care with my 15 year old little sister for this Ladies Night. I did well, but once the event was over and I wanted to go home, I had a meltdown. A mild meltdown, but still a meltdown.
We arrived and took the children over to the child care building. There were 5 kids. The youngest was about 2 and the oldest was about 10. Nothing I, Super-Babysitter, couldn’t handle with my trusty sidekick, Babysitter-in-Training. They played, we sat them down for a movie and a snack, and colored with them. We kept the chaos to a minimum, made sure no accidents occurred with the potty training two-year old, and I was giving my little sister little tips here and there. We made decisions together so that there was no controversy in our decisions. Overall, the child care was a success. No child was injured or had hurt feelings. No toys were damaged and we didn’t have any crying children that missed their Mommy. We had fun playing with them. Ladies Night ended and the parents received their children. I was tired and wanted to go home.
This is the part of the evening where things turned from better to worse. Maybe I’d just been over stimulated that day, I don’t know. A headache swiftly attacked my head. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my “safety zone” with my family. I had to wait for my mom to be done talking to her friend. I waited for a little while, but the impatience overtook my whole being. She told me to wait. I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to go home. We were apparently waiting for the guys to finish the movie they were watching at my house with my dad before we went home. My mom wasn’t home, how could she possibly know whether or not the movie was over? She had called, but 25 minutes beforehand. “The movie could be over by now. Let me call and check.” I reached for the phone, but one of my twin little sisters got to it before I did. I wanted to make the call. I wanted to go home. I wanted to take care of it myself. I was being selfish and childish.
I was having a meltdown. Body rigid, teeth clenched, and hot temper, I was the first to arrive home. I went straight upstairs to my room to deal with it before joining everyone downstairs. I was in tears and angry over absolutely nothing. I didn’t understand and that just frustrated me all the more.
I was reminded yesterday that AS will affect me forever. I will never escape the fact that I have it. I was very mature, then extremely childish within just a few minutes. I may just look like a young adult that refuses to grow up, but it’s not like that. I want to be a mature adult. I want to be able to handle things without my mom. I’m a young adult and wont live with my parents forever. In the future, I’ll try to deal with it a little better, but it makes me ask questions. “What happens when I move out and have my first meltdown, all on my own, without my mom and sisters there?”, “What will people think of me?” “Will I be able find anyone that will be understanding and supportive when I move?”, “When I start dating, will the person I choose be able to soothe me in the middle of a meltdown, or will he just not be able to handle it and leave me stranded?”, and “Can I do this?” I question myself and my abilities to be on my own. The future is yet unknown, and as for now, I’ll just take it one step at a time.